☕️Deep Brew | Finding the Courage to Love in the Shadow of Hate
How to Keep Your Heart Open and Navigate Polarized Relationships with Courage and Empathy.
Hello, Friends!
I’m so excited (and a little nervous) to share this week’s Deep Brew with you. It's a topic that has been weighing heavily on my mind for weeks. Last month, I penned a guest column in the Columbus Dispatch focusing on how to have civil conversations with those who hold differing views. However, if I’m being honest, I hit submit and still felt this pit in my stomach. It wasn’t enough.
It didn’t address the complex and more profound question of how to continue loving those you admire, those you love – even when their beliefs or actions cause pain and conflict.
So, this, my friends, is my love letter to you, to us, and to those we cherish, even when it feels incredibly hard.
Love and light,
Sophia
Navigating Love in A Divided World
Love, they say, is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend. But, what happens when the enemy is more than a friend? What happens when the enemy is someone you love? What happens when someone you love is racist?
For those who know me, my ability to navigate complex circles comes as no surprise. It’s the life I’ve been given, the environment that has nurtured me, and the choices I’ve made. I’m the daughter of Jamaican immigrants who grew up attending an evangelical church on the outskirts of Appalachia in suburban Ohio. Born in the Bronx, my childhood was a blend of urban and rural. I caught crawdads and toads in the streams of my youth while waiting for the ice cream truck and the fire hydrants to flush open, cooling the heat of the city’s summer days. I’ve worked for Republicans and supported Democrats with earnest dedication. My marriage blends socioeconomic classes—country clubs and blue-collar workers with differing views of what “America the Beautiful” truly means, is, and can be. My children are of mixed heritage, and I—I am their mother.
In my nearly 40 years, my exoskeleton has become a labyrinthine bridge, existing in the in-betweens, navigating both the joy and pain of complementary and opposing ideologies. I am the feminist beauty queen, the conscious capitalist, and the agnostic believer. These dualities define my life, shaped by circumstance and choice—and as this chapter of my life continues, I sincerely don’t know how to exist differently.
Like many of you, I see and seek the middle ground.
Together, friends, we believe in listening to truly hear and to thoughtfully understand others. Often, we’re deemed as too nice and not bold enough while simultaneously being ridiculed for being too aggressive and too woke.
In our high school yearbooks, you won’t find us as prom queens, valedictorians, or members of the student council. Instead, you’ll find “stay sweet” and “you’re so nice,” because our whole lives have existed front and center, yet invisible to those who shout with the loudest quips. We are forever present but always working within the margins.
However, one steadfast truth that unites us is our commitment to the action of love. When it comes to love, we navigate a world where we believe hope still springs eternal because hate is too hard to hold onto. Therefore, love is not an easy choice; it is our self-preservation.
Love is resilience.
Love is patience.
Love is transformation.
But my question is this: how do you love someone whose views and ideology make you feel unseen, inhuman? Well, let me tell you. It’s f*cking hard. However, it’s a journey worth undertaking, and here are some thoughts on how we can keep striving for understanding and love every damn day.
To My Fellow Outsiders
"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." — Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
But before the end, there must be context. There must be a room with a rug, a window, and some dust. Therefore, before we begin, I'd like to offer you a window into my story.
No? Coo.. Cool.. Kewl. Scroll to the end for my conclusion.
Yes? Well, let’s begin.
If I'm being truthful, I've rarely walked into a room and felt like I belonged. Read that one more time. And, once again, for the back. Instead, with every encounter, I'm working through these intense feelings of otherness. My inner voice chants quietly—I am the outsider peeking in, and they are going to find out. This feeling rings true in ways some might assume, and in others where you might be surprised.
Yes, it's easy to understand how someone might feel like the other when they are a 24-year-old leading a group of seasoned lobbyists who have been in their profession for 30 years. It's easy to assume that I might feel like the other, being the only Black child in a school of all white children. However, this otherness also arises when I walk into a room of Black people whose external shells look just like mine but perhaps share a different ideology. Otherness shows up when I sit down at a conference built just for women, yet knowing that I also come with an intersection that they might not understand.
However, aren’t we all others, as we are all human? This is our definitive and shared truth. So, I can’t imagine that I am alone in my otherness. However, for the purposes of this article, I’m going to focus on race and gender.
Race is a constant visibility.
Gender is a fluid experience.
Race and gender are the intersections where I exist.
I’ve always been acutely aware of my race and gender. From the way my hair coils and breaks when straightened to the way my brown skin crisps like sweet crème brûlée in the sun, from the assumptions about how I care for my children to discussions about my overt and aggressive hunger for professional ambition, race and gender are always present. They aren’t something I can willingly turn on or off. They are, therefore I am.
To my friends, know that when I speak of race and gender, it’s because I cannot escape these aspects of my identity in America. The world reminds me who I am, and it is my job to simultaneously tell them. Yet, we are here. At this moment, we live in a time where both race and gender divide and bring the masses together. Together, race and gender shape my every breath, our every experience, and our every interaction.
The Pain of Divides
Being a Black woman in America is a visibility that I cannot escape. Therefore, it cuts deeply when someone close to me supports leaders who embody racist, misogynistic, and xenophobic rhetoric or, even worse, embrace these views themselves. It’s weird.
Look, we are all beautifully flawed humans—myself included. Therefore, the hurt is not only in the embrace that perpetuates harm and injustice to so many beings. But the hurt stings in a way that is purely human. It’s the feeling that despite my experiences, our shared meals, and our understanding of logic, you do not see, understand, or hear me. That you are unwilling to do the work of profoundly loving me the way I intensely work to love you.
Despite these challenges, I believe in the power of unconditional love. Loving our neighbors means striving to understand and empathize, even when it feels incredibly hard. It means holding space for growth and change, while also setting boundaries to protect our well-being.
But, regarding the moral misalignment I feel, can I be more specific? Sure. Here are a few personal experiences that highlight the challenges of loving amid racism and sexism… in 2024:
It’s the moment you realize a relative continues to fervently support a political candidate who has repeatedly used racial slurs, gendered offenses, xenophobic tropes, and sexual assault as a tool for power—and then lectures your biracial children on the importance of kindness.
It’s the chance conversation with a Black leader who questions my Blackness, asking if I am truly Black while pointing to my skin. Then, proceeding to tell me that they could care less about every other marginalized group, saying they should get their own agenda rather than working in solidarity, surpassing an alignment of cultural pride, but diving face-first into a world of separatism that would literally tear my family apart.
It’s the leadership meeting where the chief officer who represents the face of diversity, equity, and inclusion messages me mid-meeting to ask why I’m not smiling more during his presentation, as if my facial expression of neutrality has anything to do with my capacity and confidence to do the work of my position. I kid you not—I about lost my mind at this one.
It may be tempting to dismiss these behaviors as mere hypocrisy and ignorance rather than labeling them as racist or sexist. But if we’re being honest, isn’t racism and sexism just another form of hypocrisy, simply dressed in a leather skirt? Subtle or direct—until we name it and call it out, how can we be ready to dismantle and change it?
To Those Whose Currency Is Hate
"We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference." — Elie Wiesel
To those who perpetuate racism, misogyny, or xenophobia, I speak to you directly and invite you to a conversation. Racism doesn’t always live under hoods, nor does misogyny hide behind boardroom doors. Confronting the harm in your beliefs and actions is not easy, but true understanding and growth are born from discomfort. Your endorsement of hateful ideologies, your silence in the face of injustice, and your indifference wound deeply those who love you.
Sincerely, every day, we wrestle with the pain of loving someone who, through their beliefs, denies our humanity. Loving you is like tending to a garden of oleanders—blossoms of beauty concealing a silent poison that seeps into our souls.
Your indifference to words denies my humanity. If I were to call you a pig in jest and speak of your home the way farmers speak of pigsties, to those who do not know me or my true nature, would the world see me as a human or as a beast?
It’s a strange, almost paradoxical dance because, in our personal interactions, you might display kindness and generosity. You might invite us to your table, share your bread, work alongside us, or join us in celebration. Yet, your choice to uphold beliefs and actions that deny our humanity, and your willful ignorance of what you know in your heart to be good and right, is a profound betrayal. Ignoring injustice for perceived economic benefits overlooks the profound moral and ethical costs. So, tell me, what’s the going rate for our humanity? No, seriously. At what cost should we be auctioned?
Why Your Actions Hurt:
Dehumanization: Endorsing racist or xenophobic ideologies dehumanizes people based on race, gender, or nationality, suggesting some lives are less valuable. For instance, supporting discriminatory policies fosters a culture of devaluation.
Contradiction of Values: Your actions conflict with the values of love and respect you claim to uphold in our relationship. This cognitive dissonance is painful. If you genuinely believe in love and dignity for all, that must include everyone—white, Black, brown, queer, and beyond.
Perpetuation of Harm: Embracing harmful ideologies sustains systems of inequality, injustice, and violence against marginalized communities. Leading in ways that perpetuate gender stereotypes, despite understanding implicit bias, undermines both our growth and your own.
Therefore, I invite you to reflect on whether your actions align with your values. Educate yourself on the impacts of racism, misogyny, xenophobia, etc. Engage with books, documentaries, and the lived experiences of those affected. I invite you to an open dialogue—listen more than you speak. Aim to understand rather than to be understood. Finally, commit to changing your beliefs and actions to align with love, equality, and justice. Stand against hate, even when it’s hard, even if you stand alone.
Words matter, so listen carefully. Ignoring the power of rhetoric is a dangerous game. History has shown us that words can shape entire nations' beliefs, turning people against each other and stripping away humanity. What kind of parent tells their children that words matter yet ignores the venomous language spewed by others—especially our leaders? Words can uplift or destroy. Choose them wisely.
Love is an active choice. It involves advocating for others, defending their rights, and honoring their dignity. True love fosters unity, understanding, and curiosity. Love transcends politics. Love opens the door to growth, allowing us to connect as kin rather than foes.
How Love Can Transform Us
‘Song of Hope’
Give me a song of hope
And a world where I can sing it.
Give me a song of faith
And a people to believe in it.
Give me a song of kindliness
And a country where I can live it.
Give me a song of hope and love
And a brown girl’s heart to hear it.
—Pauli Murray
Okay, friends, let’s continue our journey. If empathy is the cornerstone of love, then it is my superpower and Achilles’ heel—and if you’re reading this article, it is probably yours, too. We feel deeply.
May I share something with you?
I’ve always admired Pauli Murray’s work, not just for her brilliance but for her ability to thrive in the intersections where she existed. She lived in a world that refused to see her fully, yet she persisted so majestically, creating space for others to follow.
I’m absolutely fascinated by her work and hope to carry even a fraction of her light’s brilliance. In learning from her, I believe we can strive to see the world from another’s perspective, even when it’s difficult. To those we love but find it hard to understand, this is how we will continue to love them. This is how we will and can work towards love together, and for those who are interested, how they can join us too.
Let’s choose to build a bridge of understanding, not to excuse harmful behavior, but to foster meaningful dialogue and transformation. As a society, we can approach situations with a mindset geared toward dialogue and change.
Let’s choose to set boundaries to protect our emotional and psychological well-being. As a community, we can establish similar boundaries, ensuring our integrity in complex relationships.
Let’s choose to engage in dialogue, speaking our truths and being open to hearing others, committed to the transformative power of love. As a collective, we can share our truths and embrace this transformative power.
Let’s choose to find common ground, focusing on shared values and aligning our actions with them. Together, we can find common ground by aligning our actions with our deepest values.
Let’s choose to embrace growth as a balm for progress. While we may rarely forget human vileness, we should practice the art of forgiveness. We can support loved ones in their journey toward understanding and change, recognizing that love is an evolving force requiring continuous effort and commitment.
A Call to Embrace Love
Love is an action, not just a feeling. It’s about choosing to engage, educate, and stand firm in your values while holding space for others to grow. It’s about recognizing our shared humanity, even when it’s hard. Love is a courageous choice.
Remember, my friends, your action to choose love is about you, not them.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., in his “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” outlined the steps for a nonviolent campaign: gather facts, negotiate, self-purify, and take direct action. These principles are foundational to fighting for love and justice. King warned against superficial peace, urging us to seek true justice. In our fight for love, we must strive for genuine transformation, not just order. There’s no resting in racism. We choose to build bridges of understanding, set boundaries for well-being, engage in transformative dialogue, and seek common ground. This active pursuit aims for a more just and loving society.
Democracy isn’t a zero-sum game, and neither is love. We must continue to explore the rooms we’re told to avoid and visit the unseen and messy places. If we believe in our democratic experiment—that America can be a multiracial, bright, and free nation. Free, not without challenges, but free in our agency to coexist with neighbors. We can be a people who see the souls of others as kin, not enemies.
My friends, despite everything we’ve experienced and witnessed, I believe we can still dance in a turbulent rain and find love in a divided world.
So, to my friends, allies, and even those across the ideological divide: we must love fiercely, advocate passionately, and work tirelessly for a world where our differences coexist without harm. Because love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend. Love is how we must see ourselves as neighbors. Therefore, let us love because we believe in the light of hope.
Let’s keep fighting this good fight together.
Let’s challenge each other, support each other, and, most importantly,
Let’s courageously love one another.
Because when we do, we transform not just our enemies into friends but ourselves into the best versions of our freedom.
📚 Resources for Further Reading
If you're looking to dive deeper into navigating these challenging conversations, consider the following resources:
Song in a Weary Throat by Pauli Murray: [Link to book]
How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kend: [Link to book]
How to Know a Person by David Brooks: [Link to book]
Our Hidden Conversations: What Americans Really Think of Race and Identity by Michele Norris: [Link to book]
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee: [Link to book]
🌈 Let’s Chat: What’s On Your Mind?
I absolutely love hearing from you. What’s on your mind lately? Are there any community issues or hot topics you’re super passionate about? Maybe you’ve got a Leslie Knope-level idea to make your town the best place to live or a heartwarming story of local kindness? Hit message below and spill the tea! Your insights and stories aren’t just awesome—they inspire our whole community and help shape future newsletters.